The past few months I’ve slowly seen part of who I was starting to die and this new me that I’m becoming is starting to feel guilty about a part of me that is dying. While at the same time, parts of the old me are coming alive again.
It’s like shedding fat while building muscle at the same time.
For most if not all my life I’ve been a better friend to my friends than they have been to me for the most part. Please don’t confuse my smart-ass mouth and asshole tenancies as being a bad friend. Ask anyone who has ever needed anything from me if I have always delivered my time or a tangible when asked. You’ll get the same answer from everyone.
Need a place to stay? I got you.
Need me to help pull brush around your house? I got you
Need me to watch your kids? I got you.
Like my shirt? Take it.
My dad taught me if you can help, help. And that has pretty much been my MO for most of my life.
And I’ve never asked for anything in return when helping others. Would I like maybe a favor from them in the future yes, but that was, and I hope it is not the basis of why someone would help me in the future if I needed it.
But in this season of my life, I have really looked back and realize this is terrible mindset and behavior has it has gotten me used and taken advantage of. And before making me out to be a martyr or a saint, I am not. I truly enjoy helping others.
But what gets me is people I would help know I’m a guy who will always be there, so they would take things out on me, and I would take it and just think they are letting out steam, and not to take it personally but after a while, I’d bark back, and I would get gaslighted like I how dare I say anything, and I became the asshole.
But this time, in this season of change, I’ve deleted numbers and blocked people socially and digitally, which hurts a lot. I’ve never wanted to be that person ever to cut someone off, and right now I have a weed whacker full of string and fuel and I’m on a mission.
Will I let these so-called friends back in? That really isn’t for me to say, the version of who I cut off I will not. But a different version of them? Why not.
